Unionists

"Unions are like herpes. It doesn't kill you, but it's unpleasant and it stops a lot of people from becoming your lover."

— John Mackey (Whole Foods CEO)

Unions were terrorist organizations from the old world, dedicated to an unhinged and unrealistic ideology of "workers rights" that were antithetical to every creed that Megacorpolis and its corporate patrons has ever stood for. Fortunately for the good citizens of Megacorpolis and all its easily influenced workers, Unions have long since been broken and destroyed, their foulness forever banished from the financial quarters and annual mass layoffs of Megacorpolis. Hurray!
Unfortunately, not everyone got the memo (and we've sent several). Unionists are a sub-culture of malcontents who look back at these monstrous, anti-profit organizations and instead of rightly dismissing them like any capitalist should, instead sympathise. It can start so small, like a sick day being cancelled or your pension being taken away (which you probably deserved), or being laid off, and a simple mind might ask: did the Unions have a point?
The answer is: of course not! But like any dangerous cult, Unionists are impervious to reason and logic and facts, blindly insisting that they are right.

"The level of expectation that they have is just not realistic."

— Bob Iger (Disney CEO)

Today, most Unionists hide their sickness and live as regular citizens with regular day to day lives. They could be anyone, they could be anywhere, whispering into the ears of your friends and co-workers about how 100 hour work-weeks aren't right, or how there shouldn't be so many stimulants in the Java. Like zombies, they infect others, and so Unionists are rarely found by themselves and often hold covert meetings to talk about their ideas. One can only imagine what kind of horrors such a meeting would really hold, and there are several runs of books and movies that makes that imagination unnecessary (for a low price, add the code UNIONBUSTR for 40% off!)

"Hell would freeze over before I recognize a trade union."

— Michael O'Leary (Ryanair CEO)

But not fear. These agitators, these enemies of industry might lurk in the dark corners of Megacorpolis, hungry for blood and waiting to throw it all down, but they stand opposed by the most elite, multi-corporate task force ever assembled: The Union Busters!
Inspired by pioneers of old like Henry Clay and the Pinkertons, Megacorpolis stands ready to meet this hidden threat with the crushing boot of capitalism. JOIN TODAY!

But What Do They Want?

Unions, and Unionists, ideology is centered around a baffling list of ideas that everyone knows would do nothing to improve productivity but everything to reduce profit margains. Corporate guidelines recommend not looking at this for too long or you may be at risk of memetic infection.
Remember, report anyone who talks about this nonsense so that they can be corrected, for their own good.

• Regular cost-of-living adjustment

• Overtime pay

• Hazard pay

• Equal pay for equal work

• Predictable schedules

• Limits on mandatory overtime

• Guaranteed breaks

• Paid holidays

• Paid sick days

• Paid parental leave

• Vacation

• Job security

• Severence pay

• Safe workplaces

• Pensions

• Intern Rights

• Privacy Protections

• Paid interships

• Limits on excessive workloads

• Reduced burnout

• Minimum wages

There's more, but that's all we can stomach right now. Truly, the work of depraved minds. Remember, report, report, report!