A Baron's Survey of Bastions
Being a survey of strongholds worth conquering (eventually, once they've had enough value added)
By General, the Baron Aginnad of the Ninth Battalion at the Bulwark of Light, Scion of Malfador
The Embassy of Hell in Aurumopolis has generated a number of controversies over the years. The latest was the so-called, "Survey of Bastions" by an infamous pit-fiend general stationed there. The Ambassador himself came to the general's defense. He somehow came out of the controversy with a favorable trade deal.
I've written plenty of reports as a ZAP, that "Survey" reads more like a love letter than a strategy guide! I've been to most of them places, Az-gonad makes me wanna go back! Pit fiend? He's more like a Pit Friend! I hear, business is booming at the Casino and the Grotto since the Baron wrote them up!
Officially an intelligence report and military operation plan, "A Baron's Survey of Bastions" has instead become a popular guidebook for travelers and sightseers. It was written by General, the Baron Aginnad, a pit fiend stationed at the Embassy of Hell in the Bulwark of Light.
He lovingly describes food, architecture, and culture through the lens of the ultimate outsider. It led to a successful series of surveys at the invitation of other destinations seeking an increase in visitors.
The Lords of Hell happily welcome the revenue from book sales. They see the series' popularity as proof that their infernal strategy of controlling the desires and movements of mortals as a wild success.
As a loyal servant of the Lords of Hell and a General of the Infernal Armies, I am 100% committed to the advancement of Law and Evil in all its forms. Despite my immense form and unholy powers, I have been taken into the confidence of the mortal insects known as the Kirinalos. They do not understand the diabolical agent in their midst. They have unwittingly brought the ultimate peril into the very hearts of their impenetrable bastions!
I alone amongst our accursed kind have walked the halls of heroes unscathed. Now, it is my duty, and my honor, to deliver this important strategic document for your inimitable and infernal investigation.
Sincerely and devotedly,
General, the Baron Aginnad of the Ninth Battalion, Scion of Malfador
Entry for the Hitchhiker's Guide to Your World Challenge.
Greystone Keep
Greystone Keep sits 90 miles north of the Kirinal Pit on the banks of the Kirinal River. Set amongst the charming and fruitful foothills of the Silver Range Mountains, it will be a profitable and worthy territory for some future Hell-Lord.
Abundant vineyards provide plump and juicy varietals mashed by the feet of equally plump and juicy mortals. The sweet wine they produce has replaced my thirst for blood! I especially recommend the Ashfall Moscato paired with the local peppery gorgonzola and lamb prosciutto. As always, the flesh of the youngest is the tastiest!
In my estimation, they have a small force of under 600 troops led by a contingent of knights. The presence of Orion's Academy of Swordsmanship is a considerable force multiplier that should be accounted for!
I have not counted the troops since a visit some 200 years in the past. I'm sure the little mortals have not increased their contingent in that short amount of time, so my numbers should be good, right?
Sure thing buddy! It takes me 100 years to change my underwear! I'm sure this 2 century old troop count is absolutely current!
Wizard's Peak
Pride: Greed:
Location: Duchy of Silver Range, Sovranty of Lozar
Once Greystone Keep has been conquered, the greatest prize of them all, Wizard's Peak itself, is a short train ride or a day's march north along the uncontaminated banks of the Kirinal River.
The realm of the mighty wizard sits in picturesque Magus Valley, where the vinification of the famous mage wine takes place! The breathtaking views of the mountain await our victorious and mighty legions!
The University shall be a great asset. We look forward to the day when Hell brings the great wizard of the Peak himself to heel!
Grig's Grotto
The epicenter of musical and dance culture is the den of sin known as Grig's Grotto. Increasing infernal proficiency in jumping, jiving, and wailing shall only lead to the rise of Hell itself!
I went incognito, donning the legendary Zoot Suit and engaging in the Fiddletwitch to foment a riot. I confess to distributing the devil's lettuce. All in the name of his dark majesty!
After enough social lubrication, one of the new owners, a "Fiddletwitching" bard known as Atticus Ashbury-Smythe, intimated that they grew their own hexocybin mushrooms in the basement. More research must be carried out, preferably on the weekly Heaven's Night Dance, before I can complete my evaluation.
I have attached an itemized receipt for my visit. I'd appreciate a deposit into my account post-haste since I'm running low on discretionary funds. The additional stipend will fund my vital and important research.
Silver Gate District
Lust: Gluttony:
Location: Tower Town, Silver Slice
The Silver Gate District of Tower Town presents a unique opportunity for we devils of Hell to influence the minds and souls of the Kirinalos. The elder mortals of the Zone say that the Devil's music is played in the halls and bars of that most salubrious neighborhood.
In the name of my cursed cause, I tried one of each drink available at every bar in the District. I assessed the combat capability of the mix-o-mancers by making sure they gave a full performance of their magical skills!
While investigating the large menu of available cocktails, I have determined that the unpredictable elixir known as Psychic Beer may have the greatest tactical potential. The unpredictable magic of hexocybin mushrooms produces a different magical effect with every draft!
Let us raise a glass upon this hallowed ground! Here in the Silver Gate District, my father first revealed himself as DJ Malfador. He triumphantly rode aboard the Will of Malfador with a display of infernal lights, the shooting of foam cannons, and dropping beats most phat!
Bayani-Sun Casino
The freshly remodeled Bayani-Sun Casino, owned by the Pit Patrol Adventuring Company, accumulates the powerful and the sinful! Due to the influence of the giganto-philic mechanical man, T-R01D, the entirety of the Casino is comfortable for a being of my enormousness without the use of diminufying magic!
I enjoy partaking in the comforts of gambling, gluttony, and graft while retaining my natural size! I rub shoulders with beings of equal magnificence to myself without having to wipe the remains of trodden mortals from the bottoms of my feet! Such luxury!
The gambling hall in the basement teems with familiar infernal faces. The bartender here, This One, a disembodied brain-in-a-jar, mixes drinks telekinetically. Best of all, it has no lips to pass on our most secret whispers!
Always bet on red!
Biringan District
Greed: Sloth:
Location: Aurumopolis, Golden Slice
A realm of pleasures suitable for Dis itself can be found in the Biringan District of Aurumopolis. It accrues sin just a few flaps of the wing from the Embassy of Hell and is the home of many proud tieflings, the product of ancestral coupling with our superior stock!
If you're looking for the best black market deals, or need somewhere to sell your ill-gotten goods, Sly Spenser commands one of the dark corners. His brother Shy Spenser also conducts the same business, in competition, across the way. Don't ask me which is which, they both look the same to me!
When the inevitable day comes when we Hell-Lords rule the Zone, this District will be one of our natural refuges. You will find many friendly faces here.
Pride: Wrath: Envy:
Location: Various including: Erathia, Shattered Moon, Silversong Moon, Forged Moon
The Blackjack Sky
I pride myself on my successful infiltration of the Changeling Skyship Blackjack. I have gained the confidence of Lord Lanzo Bass von Razak, DJ Lance Uppercut himself! I gained unparallelled access to the inner workings of the Blackjack Trading Troupe!
It was built by my father Malfador's cult from the bound souls of changeling bards. An inelegant process with admirable results.
The ship's polymorphic nature made accurate assessment impossible, it could be a dinghy, a frigate, or a cruiser depending on the time of month. Most confusing!
As previously reported, the formidable Command Crew should not be underestimated! Special attention must be paid to Lance Uppercut, descended from the heinous hemoglobin of heaven itself, with a bevy of bastards across the multiverse that I'm infernally envious of!
My surveillance of the galley yielded Lola Carly's secret Bibingka recipe. I keep this knowledge for the use of our Infernal masters!
The Blackjack should be taken intact, its unique construction makes it a worthy addition to our Infernal Forces. Moreover, the Crew itself should be taken alive if possible. With the headway I have made, I'm sure they'll be joining us at any moment!
Hidden Moon
Pride: Wrath:
The Hidden Moon, known to interlopers as the Forged Moon, remains as one of the jewels of our Infernal Fleet. Despite the presence of the interloper, Praxis, we hold clockwork bases for the eventual return of my glorious sire!
Our ships, powered by Totemic Gravity Drives, are keyed to the world below and our home moon. As a result, they can travel freely between our sphere and the world below. We hide our ships and travel out of sight of the Upstart's forces by choice. It's less expensive and more comfortable to fly where they cannot see.
While we contest the claims of the baby god, existence continues in the craters that we still claim. We have been reduced to drinking stale water and the victuals consist of nothing but hard tack and salted mortal. The bibingka situation remains deeply inadequate.
Final Assessment
This short survey of mortal strongholds only proves that we must learn more before the Infernal Forces finalize their attack plan on the world of Erathia.
I hear that the seafood in the City of Amaston is especially fresh and savory. There are these whole fried anchovies served with crème fraîche that I really want to try. While there I intend to survey the stronghold of that slug Anam. I will discover the weaknesses amongst the white sand beaches, charming streets, and jolly mortal folk.
With Demogorgon's defeat by the Blue Fire Brotherhood, the Gaping Maw has come under new management. I may visit to see how the new Rajah of Demons has redecorated!
I'll admit I was drawn in first by the wordplay of the title, very clever! I may not be an Osteologist but these bones look quite good indeed! Excited to see how this develops!
Thank you! I'm looking forward to putting on the flesh!
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