The Morons Guide to Alestia - By Prof. Solf S. Siggurd
❝ You want me to what? Write a tourist guide? I’m a scholar, not a bloody cicerone! You’d have done better hiring one of those pen-pushers from Tanhuma, or El Shaddai! Hell, just go to any Miqra, and they have everything ready in pamphlets even a toddler could read! Though you clearly have superior taste, so I can’t fault you for that. And where the hell is the fucking map? Ah, to hell with it — Better than the last time when I had to write about how I was relapsing on staplers.
For pointless, yet legal reasons, I must advise that there will be strong language and profanities, just so you sissies don’t go crying to your mothers!
Where should I begin? Alestia is a big place, and I could spend weeks meandering its idiosyncrasies and how poorly the shit-for-brains run it.
The first thing you should know is that there are, rather, were five great powers in Alestia, known as the “Five Lights of Adam Kadmon”, consisting of Ambramelin to the north, Lactantius to the east, Vesalius to the south, and Wyddel to the west. Luria is more of a city-state, lying somewhere in its centre, but don’t let it fool you — it is by far the most powerful nation on the continent!
Of course, there are other smaller yet notable territories, such as the major port regions of Alcofribas and Lucidor, and, of course, the beating heart of the continent’s economy, Brunellesco. There is also Hildengard, but it is insignificant. Eliphas is another considerable territory that rivals the rest and has pretty much absorbed most of Lactantius.
Oh! and how could I forget Trismegistus! — Founded in 90AY, “After Union”, despite its real name being Le’achar Yichud, to avoid confusing the simple-minded buffoons.
Trismegistus is the home of Alestia’s scholarly and scientific advancements, and of course, the one and only, the smartest man alive, me! Professor Solf Siggurd of Trithemius, and an Upper Constellation of the Council of Mazzaroth, mind you.
The academy in Nostradamus boasts the largest library in Alestia, if not the world! It is centuries more technologically advanced than the rest of Alestia, and every city has a unique field of focus. Alas, I have dawdled too much on the rest, so I can’t express how wonderful it is. Anyone with half a brain should see this at the top of their list! What? I’m rambling? Fine, fine. I’ll be more serious. ❞
❝ Let’s start with Luria — Founded in 1672 LY, Lepeni Yichud, or “Before Union” for you uneducated morons. It is by far the oldest of the lot and has the most history. I may call it a city-state, but it’s closer to a collection of distinct cities interwoven into something akin to the Seed of Life in Sacred Geometry. Its ivory walls can be seen throughout the land, and legend has it that the city was built upon the thing for which it was designed, with Cordovero at its centre. It is surely a marvel, you’d think it was the trunk of a great tree!
Luria is well known for its wines, aquifers, and sophisticated architecture; many of its inner cities are carved from a kind of marble that doesn’t reflect the sun's glare, interesting, right? It changes from place to place, from a sterile white to black, yet all have veins of gold and other interesting minerals. I’d love to take some to study, but they’re quite protective of it, and even building anything requires an absurd amount of paperwork and funds to grease the palms of the pompous wankers of its oligarchy.
The people are a bunch of asinine, arrogant fuckwads who think themselves better than the rest, but it has plenty of historical sites and marvels, alas, its most famous cathedral is now a fucking pit to nooooo thank you, I don’t want to know! Not only because of the unspeakable horrors, but also because the last time I dug too deeply, the former church almost burned me at the stake! ❞
❝ Abrameilin, circa sometime in 403LY, is an oddball, a pseudo-nation that follows not so much a king but an appointed Sage. They are quite secretive about their affairs. A so-called socialist society, in theory, and I mean theory, because it should have been doomed to fail from the start, yet somehow survived a thousand years for whatever reason.
Not much to see as it’s mostly woodlands, the great forest of Algernon! But if you do find yourself there, tread carefully, they aren’t the most welcoming bunch, and way too rambunctious when it comes to sacred lands of whatever.
I’ve only seen one or two of their well-hidden cities, but I must say they are a work of art. Entire cities held up by trees or hidden in caves. I can’t really describe the architecture, as I honestly don’t know much about it, but it’s unique to each region. Their cave system is the largest in Alestia and full of wonders, from entire cities carved into crystals to other, albeit smaller, cities that are upside down! Absurd, I know! You have to see it to believe it!
Oh, and if you’re one for good food, the variety of cured meats they make is phenomenal. They export it to just about everywhere in Alestia, so it saves the trouble of travel. ❞
❝ Lactantius, 1404LY, was originally a theocracy; now closer to a nation of church scholars, but they keep to themselves most of the time. It used to have significant territory, but it’s now really only one major city.
Its architecture predates almost everything else on the continent. The stonework and masonry are admirable; in fact, it’s an architect’s wet dream and has been the topic of study for centuries, as its particular style is entirely unique and otherwise impossible to emulate.
I studied there for a few years, so I know the city well, but much of it is still kept secret, and there are rumours of absurdly massive catacombs that extend far beyond the city’s borders. I’d rather not visit. The dead should remain undisturbed, and the very idea of people going down to spend time with skeletons is not appealing to a dignified man such as myself. ❞
❝ Eliphas, well, they were originally part of Lactantius but became their own in 90AY. It’s gone to shit ever since that syphilis-ridden cockhound, Eleazar the Pios of Eliphas, came into power.
He was a nutcase who started the “Cartaphilus’ Jury”. People genuinely thought he was cursed, but he was just a sceptic who didn’t trust modern medicine and contracted some parasite that turned his brain to mush. And he downed more mercury than a harlot does the seed of man! It thankfully ended when he was hanged by an angry mob in 1224, sadly I missed that day. Would’ve been nice.
Ah, right, sightseeing. Nothing much here, as most of the unique beauty it once held was thoroughly fucked by you-know-who. Its capital, Culpeper, is a nice place, and the coffee they make is definitely worth the effort. ❞
❝ Vesalius, 576LY, doesn’t really have a central power anymore, aside from a figurehead king; it operates like the Hospitallers. The mad king of Eliphas, Eleazar, thoroughly ruined it when he attacked the twin capitals, Péronelle and Perenelle, that are divided by a rather impressive bridging system over its river, the Tournon. They managed to rebuild, but a lot of the nuances that came with age are now lost. Pellicier is another lovely place to visit this time of year.
A lot of the region is accessible by boat, and the river flows to its frankly well-placed cities. But walking to and from can be a pain, and the exorbitant prices they charge to the unsuspecting tourist are outright criminal, but economics is not my forte, and I don’t care enough to dwell on it. ❞
❝ Ah, yes, the beloved land of the Poets, Wyddel. An old one, founded, rather united in 1306LY. Perhaps the largest in territory and population, Wyddel consists of four major regions that have been at each other's throats like a pack of rabid wolves, even when I was still studying in Nostradamus.
Let’s see — there is The Northern Bear Talhaearn, The Eastern Hawk Taliesn, The Western Salmon Llywarch, and Southern Stags Aneirin-Myrrdin. All are influential in their own right, and some believe they should be recognised as separate countries. But it’s really more of a collective of houses that came together under one banner.
Honestly, Wyddel is one of the better places for sightseeing with how massive it is. Since the war has mostly ended, it’s now safe enough to travel without worrying. It can be a pain in the ass to get around the different regions as they are mostly divided by the River Éices, and the Etteilla-Vatterie Straits, which are one of the largest parts of the continent’s trade routes, the “Sybils Vine” as they call it.
Wyddel has an abundance of croplands, so it’s known for its vegetable-heavy dishes, though it has a good source of meat and poultry too, as it’s mostly farmland. Overall, each region has its own beauty; its architecture is full of colour and vibrance that fits beautifully into the lush green countryside. The Cad Goddeu is possibly the largest continuous windlands in Alestia, second to Algernon at least.
Like Vesalius, it has an impressive network of waterways running through its cities, and it’s pleasant to relax in one of its gondolas with a glass of fine wine. The monasteries that litter the countryside are modest, yet hold a quiet opulence you’d have trouble finding anywhere else.
Now let me think — Ah! The “Glass Forest” in Myrrdin, Lailoken Grove. It's a territory full of spirits and other intrigues; it got its name from the trees and everything being turned to something like glass. It is considered protected land, so it is a pain in the ass to get access to visit, and it’s mostly exclusive to research, not tourism.
Oh, and another place nearby in Carmarthen, it’s a place you would want to avoid, however. Think of it — a large swathe of land turned to ash, a landscape of charred earth and ever-burning trees, swathed in unmoving smoke, would put just about anyone on edge. And it’s dead silent, but you could swear you still hear the burning. And feel it, if you stay too long, you'd literally combust into flames! Doesn’t sound pleasant at all! ❞
❝ You want me to add them too? Ah, fine — if you insist.
Alcofribas, 870AY, is a typical port city with some interesting history, though I find it dreary and quite boring.
Lucidor, 1106AY, formerly part of Alcofribas, is known for its problems with its cartels and drug trade. It’s not a nice place, full of uncouth filth who prefer to talk with their fists and not the pea-sized brains left from a lifetime of alcohol and domestic abuse.
Brunellesco, 1021AY, is the heart of Alestia’s economy and home of the Hazmanot, the Guild. It’s a bustling city full of trade and just about any kind of business you can think of.
Hildengard, 568AY, a small nation. Nothing to write home about, aside from its strange layout and confusing architectural style, which leave one scratching their noggin. ❞
❝ I have plenty more I could say, but I’ve been told I must wrap this up, so that’s all folks, up yours, Solf out! ❞
❝ I’m giving you the finger, by the way. ❞
For pointless, yet legal reasons, I must advise that there will be strong language and profanities, just so you sissies don’t go crying to your mothers!
Where should I begin? Alestia is a big place, and I could spend weeks meandering its idiosyncrasies and how poorly the shit-for-brains run it.
The first thing you should know is that there are, rather, were five great powers in Alestia, known as the “Five Lights of Adam Kadmon”, consisting of Ambramelin to the north, Lactantius to the east, Vesalius to the south, and Wyddel to the west. Luria is more of a city-state, lying somewhere in its centre, but don’t let it fool you — it is by far the most powerful nation on the continent!
Of course, there are other smaller yet notable territories, such as the major port regions of Alcofribas and Lucidor, and, of course, the beating heart of the continent’s economy, Brunellesco. There is also Hildengard, but it is insignificant. Eliphas is another considerable territory that rivals the rest and has pretty much absorbed most of Lactantius.
Oh! and how could I forget Trismegistus! — Founded in 90AY, “After Union”, despite its real name being Le’achar Yichud, to avoid confusing the simple-minded buffoons.
Trismegistus is the home of Alestia’s scholarly and scientific advancements, and of course, the one and only, the smartest man alive, me! Professor Solf Siggurd of Trithemius, and an Upper Constellation of the Council of Mazzaroth, mind you.
The academy in Nostradamus boasts the largest library in Alestia, if not the world! It is centuries more technologically advanced than the rest of Alestia, and every city has a unique field of focus. Alas, I have dawdled too much on the rest, so I can’t express how wonderful it is. Anyone with half a brain should see this at the top of their list! What? I’m rambling? Fine, fine. I’ll be more serious. ❞
---o---
❝ Let’s start with Luria — Founded in 1672 LY, Lepeni Yichud, or “Before Union” for you uneducated morons. It is by far the oldest of the lot and has the most history. I may call it a city-state, but it’s closer to a collection of distinct cities interwoven into something akin to the Seed of Life in Sacred Geometry. Its ivory walls can be seen throughout the land, and legend has it that the city was built upon the thing for which it was designed, with Cordovero at its centre. It is surely a marvel, you’d think it was the trunk of a great tree!
Luria is well known for its wines, aquifers, and sophisticated architecture; many of its inner cities are carved from a kind of marble that doesn’t reflect the sun's glare, interesting, right? It changes from place to place, from a sterile white to black, yet all have veins of gold and other interesting minerals. I’d love to take some to study, but they’re quite protective of it, and even building anything requires an absurd amount of paperwork and funds to grease the palms of the pompous wankers of its oligarchy.
The people are a bunch of asinine, arrogant fuckwads who think themselves better than the rest, but it has plenty of historical sites and marvels, alas, its most famous cathedral is now a fucking pit to nooooo thank you, I don’t want to know! Not only because of the unspeakable horrors, but also because the last time I dug too deeply, the former church almost burned me at the stake! ❞
---o---
❝ Abrameilin, circa sometime in 403LY, is an oddball, a pseudo-nation that follows not so much a king but an appointed Sage. They are quite secretive about their affairs. A so-called socialist society, in theory, and I mean theory, because it should have been doomed to fail from the start, yet somehow survived a thousand years for whatever reason.
Not much to see as it’s mostly woodlands, the great forest of Algernon! But if you do find yourself there, tread carefully, they aren’t the most welcoming bunch, and way too rambunctious when it comes to sacred lands of whatever.
I’ve only seen one or two of their well-hidden cities, but I must say they are a work of art. Entire cities held up by trees or hidden in caves. I can’t really describe the architecture, as I honestly don’t know much about it, but it’s unique to each region. Their cave system is the largest in Alestia and full of wonders, from entire cities carved into crystals to other, albeit smaller, cities that are upside down! Absurd, I know! You have to see it to believe it!
Oh, and if you’re one for good food, the variety of cured meats they make is phenomenal. They export it to just about everywhere in Alestia, so it saves the trouble of travel. ❞
---o---
❝ Lactantius, 1404LY, was originally a theocracy; now closer to a nation of church scholars, but they keep to themselves most of the time. It used to have significant territory, but it’s now really only one major city.
Its architecture predates almost everything else on the continent. The stonework and masonry are admirable; in fact, it’s an architect’s wet dream and has been the topic of study for centuries, as its particular style is entirely unique and otherwise impossible to emulate.
I studied there for a few years, so I know the city well, but much of it is still kept secret, and there are rumours of absurdly massive catacombs that extend far beyond the city’s borders. I’d rather not visit. The dead should remain undisturbed, and the very idea of people going down to spend time with skeletons is not appealing to a dignified man such as myself. ❞
---o---
❝ Eliphas, well, they were originally part of Lactantius but became their own in 90AY. It’s gone to shit ever since that syphilis-ridden cockhound, Eleazar the Pios of Eliphas, came into power.
He was a nutcase who started the “Cartaphilus’ Jury”. People genuinely thought he was cursed, but he was just a sceptic who didn’t trust modern medicine and contracted some parasite that turned his brain to mush. And he downed more mercury than a harlot does the seed of man! It thankfully ended when he was hanged by an angry mob in 1224, sadly I missed that day. Would’ve been nice.
Ah, right, sightseeing. Nothing much here, as most of the unique beauty it once held was thoroughly fucked by you-know-who. Its capital, Culpeper, is a nice place, and the coffee they make is definitely worth the effort. ❞
---o---
❝ Vesalius, 576LY, doesn’t really have a central power anymore, aside from a figurehead king; it operates like the Hospitallers. The mad king of Eliphas, Eleazar, thoroughly ruined it when he attacked the twin capitals, Péronelle and Perenelle, that are divided by a rather impressive bridging system over its river, the Tournon. They managed to rebuild, but a lot of the nuances that came with age are now lost. Pellicier is another lovely place to visit this time of year.
A lot of the region is accessible by boat, and the river flows to its frankly well-placed cities. But walking to and from can be a pain, and the exorbitant prices they charge to the unsuspecting tourist are outright criminal, but economics is not my forte, and I don’t care enough to dwell on it. ❞
---o---
❝ Ah, yes, the beloved land of the Poets, Wyddel. An old one, founded, rather united in 1306LY. Perhaps the largest in territory and population, Wyddel consists of four major regions that have been at each other's throats like a pack of rabid wolves, even when I was still studying in Nostradamus.
Let’s see — there is The Northern Bear Talhaearn, The Eastern Hawk Taliesn, The Western Salmon Llywarch, and Southern Stags Aneirin-Myrrdin. All are influential in their own right, and some believe they should be recognised as separate countries. But it’s really more of a collective of houses that came together under one banner.
Honestly, Wyddel is one of the better places for sightseeing with how massive it is. Since the war has mostly ended, it’s now safe enough to travel without worrying. It can be a pain in the ass to get around the different regions as they are mostly divided by the River Éices, and the Etteilla-Vatterie Straits, which are one of the largest parts of the continent’s trade routes, the “Sybils Vine” as they call it.
Wyddel has an abundance of croplands, so it’s known for its vegetable-heavy dishes, though it has a good source of meat and poultry too, as it’s mostly farmland. Overall, each region has its own beauty; its architecture is full of colour and vibrance that fits beautifully into the lush green countryside. The Cad Goddeu is possibly the largest continuous windlands in Alestia, second to Algernon at least.
Like Vesalius, it has an impressive network of waterways running through its cities, and it’s pleasant to relax in one of its gondolas with a glass of fine wine. The monasteries that litter the countryside are modest, yet hold a quiet opulence you’d have trouble finding anywhere else.
Now let me think — Ah! The “Glass Forest” in Myrrdin, Lailoken Grove. It's a territory full of spirits and other intrigues; it got its name from the trees and everything being turned to something like glass. It is considered protected land, so it is a pain in the ass to get access to visit, and it’s mostly exclusive to research, not tourism.
Oh, and another place nearby in Carmarthen, it’s a place you would want to avoid, however. Think of it — a large swathe of land turned to ash, a landscape of charred earth and ever-burning trees, swathed in unmoving smoke, would put just about anyone on edge. And it’s dead silent, but you could swear you still hear the burning. And feel it, if you stay too long, you'd literally combust into flames! Doesn’t sound pleasant at all! ❞
---o---
❝ You want me to add them too? Ah, fine — if you insist.
Alcofribas, 870AY, is a typical port city with some interesting history, though I find it dreary and quite boring.
Lucidor, 1106AY, formerly part of Alcofribas, is known for its problems with its cartels and drug trade. It’s not a nice place, full of uncouth filth who prefer to talk with their fists and not the pea-sized brains left from a lifetime of alcohol and domestic abuse.
Brunellesco, 1021AY, is the heart of Alestia’s economy and home of the Hazmanot, the Guild. It’s a bustling city full of trade and just about any kind of business you can think of.
Hildengard, 568AY, a small nation. Nothing to write home about, aside from its strange layout and confusing architectural style, which leave one scratching their noggin. ❞
❝ I have plenty more I could say, but I’ve been told I must wrap this up, so that’s all folks, up yours, Solf out! ❞
❝ I’m giving you the finger, by the way. ❞
Type
Guide, Generic
Medium
Crystal, Magical
Authoring Date
1241LY
this is SOO sassy omg. I love it. So much fun to read and so informative. This is definitely going to be a new favourite world of mine